Blunders to not worry about

Phil Sievers, a part-time clerk and popcorn maker at the candy counter of the Carleton Theater on Fenkell Avenue in Detroit, writes:

Dear Grammer Genious,

In the wake of my almost Associates Degree from Oakland University, I am having job interviews to get a job as a reporter on some newspaper because I took Journalism in high school and got a pretty high grade, and I think I would be a natural born jouranist. But not even the local free sale papers here will hire me. I am afraid I am making blunders at the interviews because they keep saying things about grammer that I really don’t get, like “upper case” and “noun.”

For instance, what are a split infinitive, and a dangling participal? I want to avoid those kinds of errors, but I don’t know what NOT to do because I don’t know what they are.

- Signed, Phil Sievers

Dear Mr. Sievers,

I don’t think you have to worry about split infinitives, because it is such an obviously stupid mistake that you’d have to be a real dope to actually do it. And, reading through your letter, no dangling participals are evident so you don’t have to worry about that either.

Incidentally, what is that probably life-shortening yet overwhelming, scrumptious-smelling oily fluid that you theater guys put on the popcorn?

- The Grammer Genious