How would an English teacher know?

Terry Ratigan, a petulant, assertive, pimpled, skinny, smelly, tatted, and facially pierced would-be tough guy at L. Ron Hubbard Middle School in New Baltimore, Michigan, writes:

Dear Grammer Genious,


We had to right "How I spent my summer vacation" for Mrs. Echol's's 7th grade English. I wrote how I spent it, but she didn't like it, even though that's how I really spent it so who is she not to like it? I didn't like it either.


Here's what pisses me off, she didn't like when I said "The cops must of saw us." She said its wrong, even though they really must of or else why did they bust us? She wasn't even there, so what is she talking about? Me and Cliff might put sugar in her gas tank in the parking lot.


Terry Ratigan
L. Ron Hubbard Middle School
New Baltimore, Michigan

Dear Terry,

Don't put sugar in her gas tank. It won't help. Putting sugar in English teachers' gas tanks just makes them worse than ever. In fact, the prune-faced old ones who write meaningless scrawls in red pencil all over your papers are mostly that way because they got sugar put in their gas tanks in the parking lot during their careers.

English teachers are just randomly opinionated people that you have to get past. Don't pay any attention to anything they say. They just make rules up and it NEVER makes any sense. If you think the cops must of saw you, then they probably did.

The Grammer Genious

An Academic Incident Involving Poutine

Dr. Peaches Barkowitz of Saint-Hyacinthe-sur-Richelieu-de-Veaudreuil-Beauharnois, Quebec, a renowned cognitive scientist, analytic philosopher, and linguistic theorist, writes:

Dear Grammer Genious,


We here in Quebec have great respect for our more superiorly educated betters in the great and powerful United States, and especially for you personally in light of your sterling, unsurpassed, and well-deserved reputation. We hope you can shed light on an argy-bargy we have been having at meeting after meeting of our department. To show you the depths of rancor to which this dispute has sunken, in sad fact at the most recent meeting poutine was thrown. You can imagine what that looked like, strewn across an academic gown.


Here is the claim at issue: Were any of the many words borrowed into English from Semitic languages originally constructed on the basis of Semitic taxonomy employing finite-state transducer algorithms?


Yours, 
Dr. Peaches Barkowitz
Chair, Department of Linguistics 
École des Hautes Études Linguistiques
Saint-Hyacinthe-sur-Richelieu-de-Veaudreuil-Beauharnois
Quebec H2J-1W8, Dominion of Canada

Dear Dr. Peaches,

I'm pretty sure Semitic means terroristic, so if any of those words ever somehow got into our language, you can be sure they have been flushed out and gotten rid of by now and probably sent to Gitmo. Nine-eleven changed everything, you know. Or maybe you DON'T know, you being way up there in Canada and all.

The Grammer Genious

PS. Do you people have Philly cheese steaks way up there in Canada? Maybe you should switch to them. They would hold together a little better than poutine when thrown.