Must be true.

Mr. Arthur Adams, a gym teacher at Joliet East High School in Joliet Illinois, writes:

Dear Grammer Genious,

The kids don't think I'm smart like the other teachers because I teach gym, so they don't always believe the things I tell them and sometimes I think they make fun of me.

Like, so they'll realize I know things, I tell them sometimes those little-known facts like about how the word "sirloin" was invented, when King Henry the Eighth was eating it and he liked it so much that he rose and knighted it right there on his plate, saying "I dub thee Sir Loin." I've heard that story lots of times.

Also, the fact that Mozart, that painter or whatever, was originally a Jewish guy named Moses, but the king liked his art so much that he changed Moses's name to Moz-Art, as an honor.

Some of the snottier kids who aren't very good at sports tell me that those facts are B.S. Are they? I think they're just sore because they get picked last, but whose fault is that?

-Yours truly, Art Adams

Dear Mr. Adams,

If more attention was paid to the gym teachers of our great nation, we wouldn't be in the trouble we're in. I learned most of my high school knowledge from the gym teachers.

Those stories are examples of the saying "You can't make that stuff up." Who could possibly invent such facts? They must be true. So, don't take any guff from those sissy smart-alecks. Give them a D in gym.

- The Grammer Genious.

P.S.  Go Kingsmen!

“My ol’ lady and me”

Dr. Carl Switzer, avuncular bald-headed expert on marital relationships, emotions, and feelings, and the host of the nationally famous men’s advice show “The Dr. Carl Show” on ESPN, writes:

Dear Grammer Genious,

Which is right, “my wife and I” or “my wife and me”? 

This is driving me crazy. I know there are certain rules, but when I am on the air on my nationally known TV program speaking extemporaneously, it’s hard for me to figure out which one to say when I come up against the phrase all of a sudden in a long, insightful, and thoughtfully complex sentence full of wisdom. That tends to make me seem to be less than commanding and omniscient about the topic at hand. 

Please tell me the rules. I know it has something to do with a “direct object” or some such concept.

- signed, Dr. Carl Switzer

Dear Dr. Carl,

You should trust your instincts on this one. Doesn’t “my wife and me” sound rather abrupt and common? It sounds sort of like “Him and me’s goin’ fishin’” and such colloquialisms as that, to say nothing of the disrespect it betrays toward your wife.

On the other hand, “my wife and I” sounds more elegant, and will always lend a tone of gentility to any sentence. “The police broke into our home meth lab and arrested my wife and I.”  “Google Street View caught my wife and I rooting through a dumpster.”  You get the idea.

On another topic, I want take this opportunity to personally thank you for saving my marriage when I phoned your show fourteen years ago following my wife and I’s explosive domestic incident involving the Datsun pickup truck and the pet ferret, which I won’t go into here because it’s too personal. But I’m sure you remember it.

- The Grammer Genious

No Exceptions

Mr. Maximilian Blodgett, the District Attorney of Ole Rolvaag County, South Dakota, writes:

Dear Mr.  Grammer Genious,

I spend ten hours a day following Sheriff Tom Zevenbergen around as he breaks up meth labs, collars the disgusting little perps, and throws their pathetic asses in jail.

We have an anal-retentive judge in this county who requires a ream of paperwork for each and every contemptible little piss-ant that gets tossed into the pokey, so I am trying to streamline the process by ginning up some boilerplate on MS Word. They’re all the same – “State of South Dakota, County of Ole Rolvaag, Affidavit…” etc. I’ve written it so that we authorities are always “who” and the perps are always “whom,” since that seems to make sense, but I wanted to make sure that was right. Is it?

M. A. Blodgett

District Attorney

Ole Rolvaag County

Bleak, SD 57025

Dear Mr. Blodgett,

Any grammar rule made up by duly authorized civic officials is correct, by definition. You have made an admirable one. Grammar rules should always be made up so as to have no exceptions. That might dissatisfy the local English teachers (who always think they’re so smart), but it’s bound to make your anal-retentive judge happy.

- The Grammer Genious
P.S. How can you STAND to live there?? No offense, just asking.

A hare's breath

Ms. Laura Ingraham, a right-wing radio talker who is usually put on the air in the middle of the night on small AM radio stations in the more goober areas of the country, writes:
 

Dear Grammer Genious,

I am a public person being listened to by millions of people but I feel so stupid much of the time, because I don’t really know the meaning of the random stuff that I say between the commercials for colon cleansing products and schemes for buying gold to bury in your back yard. I generally feel pretty dumb. Like for instance, I was wondering today why people say “missed by a hare’s breath,” and “wet our appetites,” and stuff?

Signed, Laura Ingraham

Dear Ms. Ingraham,

Most expression like those are pretty self-explanatory if you stop to think about it. Rabbits hardly breathe at all, so “missed it by a hare’s breath” means missed by a very small amount.“Wet our appetites” probably comes from having a drink before dinner, to get your mouth all wet and make it ready for food.

The important thing is not to appear to be shy or ignorant.  Don't let them catch on. Just keep saying random stuff.

- The Grammer Genious

Pre-Gaga

Kaiytlyyne Wojciechowski, an 8^th grader at Gene Stratton Porter Middle School in Decatur Indiana, writes:

Dear Grammer Genious,

My mom is the biggest effing B-word in the world. She’s always trying to boss me and controll me and quiz me, and when I finally tell her off and to get out of my stuff, she always says that I am a “pre-madonna.” What is a “pre-madonna”?

- Signed, Kaiytlyyne

Dear Kaiytlyyne,

I’ve never heard of anything that sounds like that, but she probably meant that you are on your way to becoming a rock star like Madonna. You wouldn’t know about Madonna because she was from back in your parents’ time. She was sort of like Lady Gaga only not as good.

Anyway, it sounds to me that your mom is complimenting you on your spunkiness, so keep doing exactly what you’re doing, and write to me again after you’re famous.

- The Grammer Genious