Skunked

Chester Tumwater of Olympia, Washington, a thoughtful reader of newspapers and magazines, writes:


Dear Grammer Genious,

When did the phrase “to beg the question” change its definition from a precise reference to a specific kind of flaw in logic to a trite cliche misused over and over by stupid people who are completely ignorant of its actual meaning?
  
Signed, Chester Tumwater

Dear Chester,

About the third week of October in 1992. It coincided with the final and ultimate bafflement of the world scientific community at the discovery of “Spooky Interaction” in quantum theory, and the consequent collapse of all logical thinking.

The Grammer Genious

Everything is made plain

Mrs. Callista Gingrich, a simple, confused housewife living in McLean, VA, on tenterhooks, out of her depth, in an uncertain situation, trying to maintain an air of coherency under a great deal of media pressure, writes:

Dear Grammer Genious,

Please explain the difference between “complacent” and “complaisant.” I remember from college back in Iowa that one of them means self-satisfied and the other means willing to please others, but I never can remember which is which. Also, people seem to use them interchangeably nowadays, even though they mean opposite things, sort of. Also, what is a good remedy for an intractable itch? It itches very badly all up and down my spine. My husband refuses to scratch it. He thinks it might be cancer and says “Eeuw, eeuw.” Also, have you read “The Help?” I don't understand what it's supposed to be about -- are they just complaining again? Also, when I hang my souvenir “Hound Dog” key chain I bought at the gift shop at Graceland from the rear view mirror, I always make all the traffic lights (except when Newtie is with me because he makes me take it down). Why is that? Also, what is the Higgs boson? Also, what is this “twitter” I keep hearing about? Also, what the heck was that “Tree of Life” movie supposed to be about anyway?

Signed, Callista (Mrs. Newt) Gingrich

Dear Callista (what a weird name),

The “complacent/complaisant” thing has everybody all balled up, so don't feel like the Lone Ranger. “Experts” who pretend to be explaining those words with a snooty authoritarian air are generally full of crap – they don't know what they're talking about. Just use either word for either meaning. If you're misunderstood, well, so what? Do you care? That's their problem.

As for your skin itch problem, I can't think about that – (Ngognngognngogn!).

Here are the answers to your other questions, in the order that you asked them:

I don't know.

I don't know.

The Higgs boson is a posited but as yet undiscovered subatomic particle that obeys Bose-Einstein statistics and constitutes an excitation of the Higgs field above its ground state.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Signed, The Grammer Genious

A proper cock-up

Mrs. Cherie Blair of Croyden, UK, the sullen and petulant wife of a gormless, failed, has-been British politician, writes:

Dear Grammer Genious,

I'm writing to you because you seem clever and utterly without attitude (for an American).

Why do you lot say “gotten”? There's no such word, you know. I got into an argie-bargie about it with Laura Bush at our garden party a fortnight ago, but the Tonester said I was rat-arsed and kept whispering at me to naff off and shut my cake hole (he's keen to visit Texas again – he wants a bigger cowboy hat). This was after my party had turned into a complete piss-up and everything had gone all pear-shaped, and the old git knob-head was on the pull and had got pissed and fell arse-over-tit into the marquee, and the minger old bint tipped both her kedgeree and her spotted dick down her strawberry creams and onto the silk Persian carpet that the Ayatollah presented to the Tonester back in '86 on one of his secret trips.

Signed, Cherie Blair

Dear Cherie,

It sounds to me like you'd all gotten kinda drunk. So, what was the question again?

The Grammer Genious

Boats Against the Current

Nick Carraway, a bond salesman in West Egg, Long Island, writes:

Dear Grammer Genious,

I have recently learned that my cousin Daisy's husband, unbeknownst to her, is having an extramarital affair and has rented an apartment in the city for his paramour, a common flapper who is the wife of a local garage owner. Should I tell my cousin about this? I hesitate to do that, because if she turns on me I might get dumped by her sexy girlfriend, a leggy golf pro. I am keeping a log of all these furious and exciting developments, and I plan to write a novel about it, since my bond business is in the toilet.

Signed, Nick Carraway, Yale, 1919

Dear Nick,

I bet she already knows. Hang around while she's on the telephone and eavesdrop.

A lubricious situation like this could be a gold mine for you, but don't bother with a novel – that's so 20^th century. Do a screenplay and pitch it to HBO. It sounds like a natural for them. But I recommend that you make up some fictitious title character, to sort of hold the story together. And some commercial tie-in – say, some eyeglass company or something – might boost your bottom line.

If somebody from this zany bunch should ever happen to get killed during any future frenzied shenanigans, then you're in, for sure. Not that I'm suggesting anything.

The Grammer Genious

Another French know-it-all

Mrs. Gladys Manigold, an English teacher at Rydell High School in Turlock, California writes:

Dear Grammer Genious,


How does one pronounce "coup de grace" when speaking English? Is it "koop de grayce", or "koo de grahs"? I'm having an argument with Mademoiselle Lefevre, the French teacher.


Yours,
Gladys Manigold, MA

Dear Mrs. Manigold,

Neither of those is correct. When pronouncing French, only the first three letters of any word are taken into consideration. After that, you just don't pronounce any more of them. So the correct pronunciation is "koo de grah."

Just our of curiosity, I would like to know why you would give any regard at all to some high school French teacher's opinion about anything.

The Grammer Genious