"Whom" again!

Chip Hendricks, speech writer for motivational speaker Duke Romney (the son of the peculiar, awkward, failed presidential hopeful Mitt Romney), writes:

Dear Grammer Genious,

The title of your column is "May I Help Whom's Next?" Are you sure that's right? How can you tell when to say "whom" anyway? What is the rule, exactly? I am completely confused.

Yours,

Chip Hendricks

Dear Chip,

You're confused? Well, I am exasperated by the total cluelessness of people like you regarding "whom". The fact is, it's just the simplest thing there is, really. Use "whom" whenever the sentence calls for some extra smidgen of dignity. "Whom" always lends class to your discourse. Shakespeare used it practically all the time, like in "One whom the music of his own vain tongue," and "The leaf of eglantine, whom not to slander," and other meaningless crap like that

However, if you insist on the actual hotsy-totsy, teachery "rule" out of a book, here it is: Use "whom" when it is the object of the action. For example, if somebody is beating up your brother you could say, "That's my brother, whom is the object of the action."

Authoritative advice on the proper usage of  who/whom was given long ago by James Thurber:
http://wolfweb.unr.edu/homepage/calabj/282/Thurber%20whowhom.html
So, enough already.

The Grammer Genious